Nintendo Announces All Still-Functioning Wiis Will Self Destruct in 2023

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo has caused controversy by announcing that any Nintendo Wii that is still in working order will incinerate upon an upcoming date next year.

“Due to changing standards in the gaming industry and better hardware being available, we think it’s best if every single Wii that is still in perfect working order just bursts into flames one day next year,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America. Just melting and shooting parts all over across the room. Once we get this new Switch Sports game out, we really don’t want anyone enjoying a past version of it. I’m sure you understand.” 

The announcement was met with the predictable reception of cynicism that seems to greet most Nintendo news as of late. 

“Why doesn’t this surprise me,” said Gordon Hall, a concerned Nintendo fan. “Between suing fans that make games, stopping Melee tournaments from happening, and shutting down the 3DS and Wii U stores, Nintendo literally seems like it’s doing everything it can to alienate every fan of theirs. If they hadn’t made 7 of my 10 favorite games I’d probably stop supporting them. Those absolute bastards.”

In addition to the traditional gaming demographics, the Nintendo Wii’s motion controls and recreations of popular sports like bowling and golf made it popular among elderly gamers, a factor many are considering Nintendo to take into consideration before they voluntarily explode any of the 100 million units sold that are still operating. 

“Nintendo doesn’t care what we think,” said Elena Hacklethorpe, a gaming journalist. “Never have, never will. They know what they’re doing. They know how many nursing homes still have Wiis installed in rec rooms. If they do what they’re threatening to do, their signature bright red logo will no longer remind me of Mario’s hat and instead the blood of my grandparents. It will be on their hands. I wish they’d be a normal company just one time.” 

As of press time, Nintendo revealed they were hard at work figuring out how they were going to get you to buy access to Super Mario Bros. 3 for a sixth time.

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